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PhillyPhilPhil
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xx One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Thread started on: Sep 26th, 2012, 4:55pm »

I thought I'd post my unfinished story based off "One for the Vine" for people to suggest things. If you have an idea on how to end it well or how I can change what I have, please tell me. Here we go:

If Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, the Buddah, and Laozi walked into a bar, according to the laws of probability and of nature itself, the bartender would say, "Have you seen Ulysses? He's a great guy."

Yes, Ulysses Young was very well known, and venerated by a majority of those who knew him. Born to Canadian parents, he and his family immigrated to the United States when he was two. He always dreamed of joining the army like his brother, and as soon as it was legal he signed up to do it.

After a grueling nine weeks, he passed boot camp with flying colors. Four years later, at 22, he was a lieutenant fighting in the second manned invasion of Libya. It took three more years of Hell, but Young eventually became a general. In his final battle, his pride finally found its way ahead of him, and though his country won the war, Ulysses lost his right leg. It's not so bad, considering 2,000 soldiers weren't so lucky.

After getting home, the general went into seclusion. Ulysses only went out when his prosthetic leg wasn't bothering him (in other words, never). Decades went by, and no one heard a word from the poor man.

Eventually, a particularly harsh winter came. There were many unusually uninteresting sites during this time. For example, no one cared that it was below freezing in Mexico City. Not a soul noticed the seas receding, or the extinction of North American mammals, or the normal temperatures throughout the rest of thew world.

This is because these people were too busy worrying it was mid-July. I personally like to be warm in summer, don't you?

It was only now that Ulysses, an old man, decided to come out, stand on a hill of muddy snow from the streets, and yell like Moses on a mountain the following:

People of humanity! I, Ulysses P. Young, have had a vision from he Lord! He has told me in a dream to save the people of the one faith. I must conquer and convert the nonbelievers of the Earth to end the horrible cold! I must have help. Who will join me!?"

Not a single person was outside then. That is, no one except for Anthony Banks. The mildly renowned priest was busy digging out the packed ice on his driveway. Banks had a congregation to get to, and not even God's spilled ice cubes would stop him. But, hearing Mr. Young's words, he was inspired.

Not out of skepticism but out of curiosity, he asked the man, "When was this dream, sir?"

Ulysses looked around for the voice for a moment, trying to get out of his dazed appearance, and then he locked eyes with Anthony.

"Young man," the old coot slowly replied, "it was 25 years ago. The night before I got my... limp."
_____________________________________________________
Alright, what do you guys think so far? It's still a back story, but so you know how this fits into the song, Anthony and Ulysses get famous, but the former finds out that Young is lying. He goes away into the frozen mountains. He finds a village there, and from there you can assume what happens.
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #1 on: Oct 16th, 2012, 7:11pm »

Alright, I'm going to give you the English class review of this.

It starts out alright, but you might want to describe your character a little more. I don't even know what he looks like.

You might want to try and flow your story more, don't automatically jump from one scene to the next. Try adding a bit more transitional paragraphs. Like more about the torture of his lonely life, explain the vision he received before he lost his leg, etc.

Be a bit more descriptive, try showing off a bit more imagery in the writing.

Don't be afraid to flex some figurative language, similes, metaphors, symbolism, all that stuff.

Otherwise, I like were this is going, I can't wait to meet the rest of the band and other characters you came up with. I want to see the next chapter soon.
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #2 on: Oct 24th, 2012, 03:06am »

My feeling is that Ulysses gets cold feet about the vision he's had and Father Tony has to inform the people!
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #3 on: Oct 24th, 2012, 8:40pm »

Or that Tony becomes the man in the story that becomes the god of the village.

I wonder how he'll use Mike and the rest of them somehow. I know! Steve can be the tribal chief, Mike can be the tribal warrior, and Phil can be a war buddy from Tony's old army buddy from Ulysses' army!
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #4 on: Oct 29th, 2012, 10:10pm »

Thanks for the thoughts... I almost forgot about this, but I'll continue and revise with this in mind!

PS: I named the one guy after Tony because I was out of ideas. wink No relation!
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #5 on: Oct 29th, 2012, 10:18pm »

Actually, I think I'll start redoing it right now. Oh, the things that are possible when a freak hurricane keeps you awake. grin
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #6 on: Nov 1st, 2012, 1:09pm »

You fought Sandy!?! How bad's the damage?

Oh, and I'm not being mean to you about your fanfic, I'm just giving pointers. Fanfics can sometimes change entire fandoms, so you got to be ready with your best. Especially with this crowd.
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #7 on: Nov 1st, 2012, 1:10pm »

on Oct 29th, 2012, 10:10pm, PhillyPhilPhil wrote:
Thanks for the thoughts... I almost forgot about this, but I'll continue and revise with this in mind!

PS: I named the one guy after Tony because I was out of ideas. wink No relation!


Sorry bout' the double post. Wait, so it's NOT our beloved keyboardist? I'm sad now...
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #8 on: Nov 5th, 2012, 7:37pm »

Sandy was really bad Monday, but by Tuesday (as the CENTER was ABOUT A MILE AWAY FROM ME!!) it was just drizzling! Everywhere around me, people were flooding and such, but I'm on a hill on a hill on a hill, so not much happened. (I was almost disappointed, to tell the truth... rolleyes)

Also, taking your ideas into consideration, I gave Ulysses a brother named... well, guess. He was a member of Genesis, I'll say that!

Otherwise, things are going well. I'll try to finish by Friday or earlier, but I'm a procrastinator, so don't get too comfortable!
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xx Re: One for the Vine - a Fanfic
« Reply #9 on: Jun 8th, 2013, 1:17pm »

Oh dear God, I'm still not finished...

I'll post what I've done so far (considerable revising, but still stagnant plot-wise...) So sorry!

If Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, the Buddah, and Laozi walked into a bar, according to the laws of probability and of nature itself, the bartender would say, "Have you seen Ulysses? He's a great guy."

Yes, Ulysses Young was very well known, and venerated by a majority of those who knew him. Born to Canadian parents, he and his family immigrated to the United States when he was two. He idolized his big brother Michael, just as much as the neighbor's parents hated that spawn of Satan.

Headache as he was, Mike always felt a sense of responsibility to his new country. Some said an American helped the family early on. Others think he was too young to remember being anywhere else at all. Little Ulie (as the scheming redhead always called him) couldn't have possible cared less, anyway. All he knew was that as long as he heard the shrill laugh of Mike, he would be okay.

And then Michael Young disappeared. Five whole months were spent. Waiting; always watching and waiting for any sign at all. Mr. and Mrs. Young wouldn't say a word, besides the old, "Oh, he'll be back any day now." Ulysses knew that was, to put it lightly, garbage. The child felt, deep inside his twisted, broken heart, that something, Lord knows what, was not how it should be.

It took five long, hard months, but, on the lonely child's ninth birthday, he happened to notice the mailbox. It soon occurred to him that a letter, for all he knew a letter from Mike, was in that mailbox. With all his anxiety and fear finally releasing itself, he crashed through the doorway and out into the yard faster than a deer in open season.

There was a letter alright - a letter from Mike stating his intention to join the Marines. Half explanation and half apology, the contents were not something Ulysses cared for past the point where it clicked in his feeble mind. His brother could die; most likely would die, seeing as new trouble was brewing in North Africa every day. It was here that a subconscious goal was planted in this desperate, sobbing, inconsolable little brain - a goal that would shape his life for better and for worse.

He would end all war, all need for fighting, even if it meant getting it all over with in one massive swoop. He would not let countless generations have to be thrust into Mike's fate, or his on that note.

As soon he turned 18, he set out to join the military himself (surely he would need to be experienced in war to know how in the world to conceivably navigate around it).Out of purpose and persistence, he passed boot camp with flying colors. Five years later, at 23, he was a lieutenant fighting in the second manned invasion of Libya. It took nine more years of Hell, but Young eventually became a general.

Here is where he decided to start preparing to wipe out the numerous enemies of the nation. Ulysses organized a huge maneuver that Eisenhower himself wouldn't dare commit to. He would distract Libya's main forces by taking a huge force and landing them near Tripoli, away from the action in Benghazi. Torn between two major cities, much of the enemy would move to reinforce the small defensive battalion in the capital. The remaining pieces of the Libyan army in Benghazi would be broken up and conquered. This would open up an opportunity for the NATO forces to sneak up behind the distracted army in Tripoli and flank them, which would be their end.

General Young was allotted direct control of the force about to land. He made a fatal mistake as soon as the battalion arrived, however, when he sent a small group to scout ahead. They were spotted, and the ambush on the Libyans turned on the invaders. Casualties were high, though the heroic actions of Ulysses stalled long enough for the forces from Benghazi to save the attack and successfully drive the enemy to surrender. Young, despite his efforts, came out with more than a scratch; that is, his leg had to be amputated. The replacement turned out to be faulty, but our hero refused another operation (the pain of the first was already unforgiving), leading to a consistent limp that plagued him for life.

After getting home, the general went into a deep, dark seclusion. Ulysses only went out when his prosthetic leg refused to bother him (in other words, never). Decades went by, in fact almost a half century, but still no one heard a word from the poor old man.

Long afterwards, a particularly harsh winter came. There were many unusually uninteresting sights during this time. For example, no one cared that it was below freezing in Mexico City. Not a soul noticed the seas receding, or the extinction of North American mammals, or the normal temperatures throughout the rest of the world.

They were too busy worrying it was mid-July.

It was more than a coincidence that after 48 years of self-imposed house arrest, Ulysses, an aging soul now, decided to come out, stand on a hill of muddy snow in the streets, and yell like Moses on Mount Sinai. These are the words he proclaimed:

"People of humanity! I, Ulysses P. Young, have had a vision from the Lord! He has told me in a dream to save the people of the one faith. I must conquer and convert the nonbelievers of the Earth to end the horrible cold! I must have help. Who will join me!?"

Not a man, woman, or child was outside then, fearing death from the freezing cold. That is, no one except for Anthony Banks. The mildly renowned priest was busy digging out the packed ice on his driveway. Banks had a congregation to give, and not even the freezer outside would stop him. But, hearing Mr. Young's words, he was inspired.

Not out of skepticism but out of curiosity, he asked the man, "When was this dream, sir?"

Ulysses gazed around for the voice for a long moment, trying to get out of his glaze, and then he locked eyes with Anthony.

"Young man," the old coot slowly replied, "it was 50 or so years ago. The night before I got my... walk."

"You see, " he elaborated, "I was a great general back then. I conquered Libya the next day, in fact, I kid you not. That night, though... I dreamt I was in a frozen wasteland, not unlike the continent today. I thought it was Antarctica, or some other polar area, but the Jesus appeared before me, and revealed I was at my childhood home in the future... or the present, I suppose. He told me I had to capture Libya because they didn't know His word. My motivation that morning was still to follow my orders, and that is why I was cursed with this god forsaken stick for a leg. ...Would you help me make up for my mistakes?"


...Another Year Later... undecided
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